“Re: Reacting (as different from responding with the strength of Holy Spirit fruit within) to How My Spouse Does or Doesn’t Act

Shelley, after we got off the phone the other day, I felt a nudge that I needed to repent for reacting/holding back when I feel like my husband isn’t walking how I think/ feel he should be. I asked The Holy Spirit to help me to ‘choose’ to walk in light and a deeper sacrificial love, regardless.

There are a few things I want to touch on in response to your message earlier this week. (I’m so sorry it’s taken this long, the last couple weeks I have felt like I’m constantly trying to keep up) I will try to keep this as organized and concise as possible.

Re: Identity as a Loved and Cared for Child

I was reading and reflecting from the article that you sent.

A section stuck out to me: about “Identity”….

( Excerpt from the “Come to My Son — Your Boaz!” )

“I AM restoring you to original intention in My Love! “Behold”…. Look to Me as the Author of all that is Good and life-giving… anticipate My Goodness towards you..

I even I AM doing a new thing in your life…

Can you not see it? Can you not feel it?

Restoring you to your truest identity in Me…”

“Believe… Receive… Anticipate…. Allow….. Trust…”

• The Holy Spirit has shown me recently that I struggle with “identity as a child” in general.
• This I feel, stems from how I have seen myself as a daughter to my own parents — unsure, overshadowed, not fitting in, alienated (not blaming, just observing. I realize my parents did the best they knew how, and tried to improve from their own childhood)

Re: Trust

What is blocking that trust? …. or, what holds me back from fully stepping into Father as my refuge…?

I believe the answer is: Fear and Betrayal ( based on last needs not being met. )

There was a Scripture that Holy Spirit reminded me of:

“Who may ascend onto the mountain of The LORD? And who may stand in His holy place?
He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who has not lifted up his soul to what is false, nor has sworn [oaths] deceitfully.
He shall receive a blessing from The LORD, and righteousness from the God of his salvation.
This is the generation (description) of those who diligently seek Him and require Him as their greatest need, who seek Your face, even [as did] Jacob. Selah.” Psalm 24:3-6.

I feel like I need courage to write these words, because I have been avoiding them for a while.

Shelley, I love my husband so much, and I love who God has created him to be. He has a tender heart.

That’s what really kept me going when he was home and injured. God showed me who my husband was without all of the bondage and demonic influences in him.

He had me calling out the awakening of the things that He had put into my husband, and we saw a lot of deliverance through the process.

At this time a couple years ago, we were praying together regularly on our morning calls, (it was so impactful).

I was asking God to give both of us clean hands and a pure heart, so that we would be able to walk into this place of intimacy with God…. (together)

It wasn’t long after that, that it was made known to me, that much earlier in our marriage, my husband had not only been into viewing compromising material, but that he was also regularly flirting with other women/girls at his workplace.

Shelley, I felt blindsided and devastated. I haven’t told anyone, because I couldn’t speak about it, not even if it was to save my own self.

I didn’t want it to be true. And in the middle of finding that out, I felt like God had betrayed me by letting this happen. I understand that’s not quite the truth, … I understand that the darkness had to come to light.

And when my husband was struggling with being able to tell me, I knew deep in my heart that I was willing to forgive him before knowing what exactly it was. And I did! … right after he told me.

Right at that moment, a demon manifested and screamed: ‘No!’ I commanded it to shut up and get out, and it did!

But then I doubled over in the most excruciating grief I have ever experienced. I know that people have suffered much more, but for me this was felt very deeply. And honestly? I have not felt like the same person since…(SUCH a freedom came over me!)

I want to be the wife again that I was when we walked through that intense healing journey with his injury.

I have struggled moving forward with God, because of fear.

• What if I push forward and I find something else out?
• I have felt like: God where were you?
• I have struggled with trust, because I did trust.… and that trust was betrayed.

As a couple, we have worked through this over and over and over.

• My husband has continued to show me faithfulness.
• He has been deeply repentant.
• I have seen continued growth in his character.

The Holy Spirit has shown me who my husband is, shown me that he’s not the same person he was.

So, if I were to explain it: I feel like I’m caught between knowing who my husband is right now, who God says he is, and the torment of how who he was in the past, hurt me.

The Holy Spirit has shown me that these things will be a distant memory.

I have been holding onto that, but… there are moments where I can’t see light. And I spiral.

I don’t want to hold my husband to the past. I want to be the wife that awakens what God has put into him.

I have had trouble moving forward with the Prayer of Freedom book, because talking about s*sin hurts and stirs fear.

God is not the one who betray. Ask The LORD to expose the lies and keep embracing truth that Holy Spirit brings to you from the Word.

Another thing that Holy Spirit has shown me in the middle of this: some of the issue is tied to nervous system deregulation.

If I were to compare this all with what we see happening in the world large-scale, even the church. I can understand how anyone would feel similar.

I know with my head that God is not one who betrays, … I know that He was SO good to us when we needed him most! He healed my husband of what the Doctors said would be lifelong. God is restorer. I want him to restore my heart.

I believe this stems back to God being that “anchor” you spoke about on the phone the other day. I have been working on stepping into/practicing this the past couple days when I feel the rise of insecurity try to take over my nervous system – where I ‘feel’ my husband missed a beat.

I’ve also noticed that it’s not even always him… sometimes it’s just a feeling that tries to take over inside of me.

I want to keep exchanging that lie that I “see and hear” coming through a “lens of disappointment and hurt” with the “renewed-mind” “Spirit- vision” that Jesus gives me …. as I hope in Him, giving Him ALL of my worries and fears to carry “up and away” (Isaiah 53:4)”

“Ohhh, “EXHALE”!

“Look up
Lift up
Believe
and Receive…”

Your response is so powerful; Thank you.

It’s always so good to work with you because you’re willing to do both “the deep dive” into your own processes allowing The Holy Spirit to test your thoughts (Psalm 139:23,24) and then the “reach” for The LORD and His freeing Truth (John 8:32) — rather than just pointing fingers at others, I hear you taking clear responsibility for your own internal responses.

In this way you not only receive the healing and wholeness that The LORD has for you, but you also make paths that others can follow into healing. (Hebrews 12:12-13)

Thank you for your vulnerability and transparency, allowing us a glimpse into some of your internal emotional and thinking processes within your marriage as you work through these things with The LORD.

I know that you are already taking the hand of The LORD Jesus with renewed trust that He will indeed carry every bit of the trauma of your heart up and away as you entirely entrust yourself to His unchanging love.

In this way complete freedom, healing and wholeness will be yours to experience.

Love and Blessings dear one.

It’s such a privilege to work with you.

Shelley”