Narcissists rarely operate alone when it comes to control, manipulation, and abuse.

They might appear charming or even seem misunderstood to the outside world, but hear me out in this.

THEY are often pulling strings behind the scenes.

One of the most damaging tactics they use is abuse by proxy — a method where the narcissist manipulates others to do their bidding, while they stand back appearing innocent.

Narcissists will do almost anything to protect their own reputation and gain power and control over the victim.

• They will tell lies about the relationship and the victim.
• They will push the victim’s buttons until they look “crazy.”
• The ones that believe them and act accordingly hurt the victims not only by their actions but by their lack of support.

Scripture warns us in Proverbs 12 that,

“Lying lips are an abomination to The LORD, but those who deal faithfully are His delight.”   Proverbs 12:2.

The narcissist will use others to do their dirty work, especially if the victim has put up healthy boundaries.

Not only will this serve as protecting their own reputation, but they will get “a high” from gaining power and control over their victim by orchestrating chaos and control over others.

The Dismissive Inner Circle

Perhaps one of the most painful affects of narcissistic abuse recovery is the response from friends who minimize or dismiss the experience.

These friends might say things like, “Everyone has relationship problems” or “You’re being too sensitive.”

This type of dismissal not only invalidates the survivor’s experience but also mirrors the gaslighting tactics of the narcissist, creating a doubly wounding effect.

A survivor might hear, “He seemed so charming at the party” or “Are you sure you’re not overreacting?” — statements that make them question their reality once again.

Orchestrated Smear Campaigns

Narcissists often launch sophisticated smear campaigns, turning the survivor’s social network into unwitting weapons.

They might spread carefully crafted narratives that paint themselves as the victim while portraying the survivor as unstable or abusive.

These campaigns are particularly effective because they exploit social dynamics and human tendency to believe the first story they hear.

A narcissist might tell mutual friends, “She’s/ He’s been acting erratic lately, I’m really worried about her/him,” planting seeds of doubt before the survivor can even begin to share their truth.

For many, having friends and family believe the lies is equally or more painful than the abuse itself.

They also lose the support from these friends and families as well.

The Silent Bystanders (Silent Partners to Abuse)

Perhaps equally painful are those who understand what’s happening but choose to remain silent.

These bystanders might recognize the abuse pattern but stay neutral to “avoid drama” or protect their own interests.

Their silence becomes collusion, leaving survivors feeling abandoned by those who could have been allies.

This kind of harm has a name: “Abuse By Proxy!”

It refers to the tactics abusers use to manipulate or recruit others into participating in their campaign of control, whether those others realize it or not.

• Sometimes it’s intentional.
• Often, it’s subtle.

It can look like someone passing along your private messages to the abuser, pressuring you to reconcile “for the sake of peace,” or painting you as unstable while insisting they’re “just concerned.”

These second tier actors are often called flying monkeys, a metaphor borrowed from The Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch never got her hands dirty.

She sent others to do her bidding.

What makes abuse by proxy so painful is not just the continuation of harm!

• It’s the confusion.
• The betrayal.
• The way it turns your support system against you.
• The way it creates doubt in your own reality.

The abuser’s hands remain invisible while others carry out the punishment, making it harder to name what’s happening and easier for others to dismiss it as a misunderstanding, a conflict, or even your fault.

This form of abuse is strategic.

It allows the abuser to extend control while avoiding accountability.

Believers are called to protect and defend those under threat.

Psalm 82:3-4 strongly exhorts us to,

“Defend the cause of the poor and fatherless;
Uphold the rights of the afflicted and oppressed.
Rescue the weak and needy;
Deliver them from the hand of the wicked.”

This mandate from God applies in a modern context as well-Christians are expected to intervene, assist, and seek justice for those who face abuse.

 

In His Shadow,
~ Mary Lindow ^©

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” THE MESSENGER ” ~ Mary Lindow
www.marylindow.com
Global Prayer Rooms

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Mary Lindow has a passion for encouraging others – all generations, careers or vocations to live expressing excellence through personal integrity, healthy accountability, and wise management of talents and skills. She’s a sought after keynote, inspirational, humorous speaker and teacher across the USA and internationally in Ministers & Spiritual leaders Conferences, and training seminars for various organizations.

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