I said, “God, I can’t do it!”
As I was walking through the house, a voice had spoken to me and said, “Get your camera and go to the piano and play and sing.”
It wasn’t possible. There was no song in me, just a feeling of emptiness. I was tired, hoarse and discouraged and my burdens were just too heavy, and the piano was badly out of tune.
That voice came again and said, “You have to try.”
You see, the truth is, I have not made a music video in over a year and 4 months.
Everything I have been posting has been replays, mostly for my new Facebook friends that perhaps have not heard me before.
It wasn’t that I did not want to, because I did. I have been oppressed beyond measure for what I have done here on this program.
There is no way I can describe how I have wrestled with every Note, every comment I ever made.
It is no doubt that only the prayers of some of you have kept me going for my own strength ran out a long time ago.
I have been attacked in every area of my life and I honestly wanted to quit many times.
The pressure was too great and I was not so strong to begin with. But somehow, the Almighty God had decided otherwise.
I guess it doesn’t matter now what most people think so I’ll just be real. A spirit was sent to talk to me, constantly pushing me, urging me that I must not stop, that there was a sense and purpose to what I was doing and that spirit would not let me alone, would not let me give up or lie down.
I’m not afraid to talk about these things today. Interaction in the spirit world should not be something that occurs to only a select few.
There should be might angelic visitations among us all. The scripture says they are ministering spirits to us. I argued with this spirit many times and sometimes I was afraid that I had offended the Holy Spirit himself.
I finally gave in and obeyed what this voice said to me. “Just go sit down at the piano.
Play whatever comes to your mind. Don’t worry about how well you play or trying to make the notes perfect or what your voice sounds like. Just play and sing.”
The odds were that it was going to be a poor job and I had a rough time getting started.
What followed was one long video of going from one thought to another, playing whatever song came to mind, halting mere moments to find the right key and just singing what was in my heart, a heart that I thought was empty.
The final result was 5 wonderful old songs. They are labeled Series #1-5.
I took the one video to the computer and learned how to edit it into five separate songs.
The songs were so close together it was almost impossible to separate them and truthfully it took hours, two and a half days.
Satan, fought me every step of the way. The internet connection would get disrupted and I’d have to start all over. The editing process would stop working.
It seemed every process involved went haywire. By the time I got one or two songs done, I was so tired I wanted just to give up on the rest.
The same voice said, “You are not stopping. You can do this. You have to do this!”
I can tell you this. The more the long video progressed, the stronger I became and the more the Spirit moved on me.
I was tired, give out and somehow from somewhere came a strength that I knew was not my strength. My hands were tired and heavy but some kind of energy entered my hands and somehow found most of the right notes.
There were some flaws and sour notes but the more I pressed forward the more Power I felt and I played and sung in a way I never have in my life.
I kept pressing and singing about Him and to Him. It was an experience I will never forget.
When the last note was sounded, I folded my hands and understood that I had done enough.
I have edited out what happened next because I don’t wish to offend anyone or that it might be misunderstood.
From deep inside my spirit came a sob of such intensity it wracked my entire body. I began to weep before the LORD mightily.
All the hurt, the disappointments, the fatigue, the fear and sadness began to come out and a broken and contrite spirit was presented unto the LORD.
The Holy Ghost had begun falling upon me while I was singing and I began to communicate with a God who understands every last thing I have gone through, one who knows every word that has been spoken and one who discerns the hearts and intentions of men.
I forgot about the camera, I forgot about what anyone else thinks of me or what they might say or what it all might appear like to others.
I even forgot that I was not worthy of His Blessings, His Protection, His Grace or His Mercy. And I began to communicate with Him in a language that only He and I understand.
I don’t know what to pray for anymore, I don’t know what to say or how to make it all right but my spirit does!
I wept and we talked, I wept some more and we talked in that special language that needs no interpretation.
This Note and these songs are only for two reasons. One, to sing to God the songs He wanted to hear and the other was to give a clear message to someone who needs to hear it.
It doesn’t matter how broken you are, how washed-up or flawed you may feel.
It’s not about how well you sing or play or how talented you think you have to be or who’s the best and who’s not. It’s about Him.
It’s about what He can do with anyone who will yield their spirit to His and about how He can take a broken, useless vessel and make it into something he finds pleasure in.
No matter who old, how young, rich, poor, left on the side of the road to die, rejected by those you’ve loved and given up for good.
Nothing, absolutely nothing is impossible with God.
If He can take this wasted, tired and dejected vessel and use it for his glory, then he can do the same for anyone, no matter what you’ve done or where you’ve been.
The end result?
I love Him more today than I ever thought possible. If I leave this world today, I will meet Him “Just As I Am” and that’s a different person than I’ve ever been before.
Not who people think I should be, but honest and real before Him, nothing hidden, all cards on the table between He and I and if I were never able to sing another song or play a note again, He has worked a miracle in my life.
I know someone needed to hear this. And I know beyond any doubt, that He has used me one more time.
I will have eternity to thank Him for that. I’m not meeting people or even family at the Judgment, I will stand before Him, the One who loved me ever since I came into this world and even before.
And that’s all if need to know.
First published November 10, 2011.
~ Robert Blackburn